I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.