no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.