I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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