Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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