note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
