Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
