The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
