i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My vagina just clenched in fear
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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