I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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