Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
