my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
