Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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