And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
