I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
