im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
