We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
