She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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