I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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