When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
