oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
