You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
