she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
