Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude. I can hear the air.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
