the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
