I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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