My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
