she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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