I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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