If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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