Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
