he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
