weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
