If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
