She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
