The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if only i could text you this smell
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
