He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
