According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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