Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
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just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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