I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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