Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
