Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
