why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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