omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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