my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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