Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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