u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
