I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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