It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
