Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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