First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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