Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i will never coherently bang her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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