There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
