She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
