I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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