I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
