Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
