I just pynch a tree in the face
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
