Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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