if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.