i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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