I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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