don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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