Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
