Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
time to smoke my breakfast
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
